Pinocchio Assigned Lumber Dept. Again! Claims Discrimination

5 Mar

BOSTON, MA–Much to his frustration, Sales Associate of Nails And Screws Hardware, Pinocchio has been assigned to the Lumber department yet again. This after numerous requests to work in other areas of the store.

“I can’t believe this bull—t!” said Pinocchio. “This is like the third time in a row. Why don’t they put Scarecrow in Lumber? He always gets the Outdoor department. It’s not like there’s a flock of crows outside waiting to pounce on this place.”

“Exactly,” says store cofounder, Sharon Screws. “We here at Nails and Screws Hardware believe that we should match the experience of our employees with the department that that experience is best suited for. We think that that policy is what’s best for our operations, and what’s best for our customers. The customer experience is what we put first. The relationship between our employees and our customers is the first thing we consider when matching the employees with the department their experience seems best suited for. It’s how we do the things that customers come here to have done at Nails and Screws Hardware. We put experience first, that being the experience that the customers have when shopping here, not the experience that the employees have when they work here. That experience we put at a distant third, behind how little we have to pay them. But their prior experience, that is, the employee’s prior experience, well that’s important too. Those experiences give us the power to put straw men outside to scare away bothersome birds and loiterers, and have hand crafted wooden puppets do our bidding out on the sales floor. And, for the record, it would be a ‘murder’ of crows.”

Pinocchio will request a transfer to the newly built Nails and Screws MegaBox store in Wakefield before looking for employment elsewhere. “I’d like to give it one more try before severing ties. Not that there are any strings that’d hold me down. I got no strings on me.” 20130102-072112.jpg

Update: For a great depiction of this article, and many other wonderful images, check out Nguyening It! at


2 Responses to “Pinocchio Assigned Lumber Dept. Again! Claims Discrimination”


  1. Quick sketch of Pinocchio at the hardware store direct from the pages of @grimmreport | Nguyening It ! - 03/06/2013

    […] lifted this from the Grimm Report’s “Pinocchio Assigned Lumber Dept. Again! Claims Discrimination” headline. Thought I’d rough a sketch out. If you guys haven’t checked out the Grimm […]

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