Court Strikes Down Soda Ban, Hansel And Gretel Rejoice

14 Mar

NEW YORK, NY-This past weekend, protesters Hansel and Gretel made the bus trip all the way from Athens, Georgia to show their support for fellow freedom-loving, caffeine-dependent Americans. They were rewarded for their efforts on Monday when a state Supreme Court Justice struck down a city ban limiting the size of sugar-laden drinks available for purchase. The two met with us on the steps of the court where the historic decision was made to discuss their take on it.

“We support everyone’s right to pig out on as much sugar as they can find,” said Hansel.

“Yeah, and if sugar cravings ever get someone in trouble, tough s–t. It’s their own damn fault. Let them deal with it, not the government,” added Gretel.

“The war on cola has always been a government conspiracy,” said Hansel. “Who took the coke out of our Coke?”

“The government!” said Gretel.

“Who shattered the dreams of Crystal Pepsi?” asked Hansel.

“The government!” said Gretel.

“And who are the geniuses who gave us TAB?” asked Hansel.

“Government’s always trying to stick us with the TAB!” said Gretel.

“Damn right they are! But they won’t get away with things this time,” said Hansel. “This time we caught ’em with their hands in the cookie jar, trying to replace our cookies with carrots and broccoli or some s–t. You get my meaning.”

Gretel then hoisted a large cup of Mountain Dew over her head in an act of defiance. “Bloomberg can pry my Big Gulp from my cold, dead hand!” she said. “Now watch me as I slow gulp this thing.”

After about seven minutes, Gretel had to abandon her attempt to consume the thirty-two ounce beverage. “Oh, I don’t feel so good, Hans. Which way to the bathroom?” she asked. “I get winded walking up and down these stairs. They should have ramps or escalators. S–t.” SignOff


3 Responses to “Court Strikes Down Soda Ban, Hansel And Gretel Rejoice”

  1. Amy 03/14/2013 at 12:03 pm #

    I am so in love with these posts. Why are these not in a book? Awesome job, as usual.

  2. belasbrightideas 03/14/2013 at 10:17 pm #

    Haha – cute 😉

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