Rain Of Elephants Reported

4 Aug

Elephants falling from the sky.

A Special Report By Grimm Report Chief Zoological Precipitation Correspondent, Ksenia Anske
kseniaanske.com |@kseniaanske

Several witnesses reported a horde of elephants falling out of the tumultuous Seattle sky on August 4th, landing primarily on the 520 floating bridge and damaging several cars, one of which was completely flattened, but not before Mrs. Lochness and her five-year-old triplets, Hydra, Medusa, and Chimera, have made it out of their sedan. “Here I was, crossing the lake – taking my girls to a birthday pool party,” says Mrs. Lochness, “when all of a sudden I heard a whistling noise, and next thing I know, an elephant falls on the car in front of me. I was shocked. I almost fainted! It was horrific! I had a presence of mind to stop and get my girls out. I will be reporting this. This is outrageous, simply outrageous! Last week we had penguins snow over my neighborhood. This week, elephants?” The triplets were not available for comments, obviously distressed, sniffing, shuffling their feet, and eyeing swimming elephants with hungry curiosity.

“I had jus’ pulled out on the highway, jus’ lit my cigarette, jus’ over there, and then, BAM! jus’ about a dozen o’them fell on the roof of me truck. S’ ruined now.” Mr. Leviathan, one of the witnesses, reports.

Based on other witnesses accounts, the total number of elephants was close to 24, mostly female adults and one elephant baby.

By the time our correspondent appeared on the scene, a loud crash brought the storm to a spectacular conclusion. The reporter has seen with his own eyes (unfortunately, his video camera has been swept away into the lake) a gigantic Kraken fall out of the cloud and within seconds cleanly break the bridge in two. Fortunately, by the time it happened, all elephants have swam to the shore and all civilians have been cleared from the area.

This severe weather setup has been attributed by weather experts to a late-summer storm pulling warm humid mammals from the Gulf of Mexico, in particular, African elephants, with a mild chance of mammoths. It has been predicted that the warmth will continue to fuel elephantine thunderstorms from Sunday afternoon to Thursday evening. Impacts from the storm will include potential damage to property, caused by elephants from 8 to 13 feet in size. Severe storms such as this can produce tornadoes with no warning. We recommend you get to storm shelter immediately, or, of not available, stay away from doors and windows and position large deposits of bananas a safe distance away from your property to attract the elephants with its smell. For better results, have the bananas sit out in the sun for at least a day before depositing.

NOTE FROM REPORTER: There are two types of flooding that typically occur after elephant rains. A flash flooding, not to be confused with areal flooding, occurs within 6 hours of heavy elephant fall, rapidly stuffing every crevice and gap in the ground with elephants, creating creeks and streams, in rare cases, entire elephant rivers, a posing a significant threat to life and property. An areal flooding, not to be confused with flash flooding, builds up gradually, with left-over elephants that are tired from falling in the sky. They come at the end of the storm and slowly pollute all open areas, resulting in the gradual stomping across the land and not as dangerous, but still posing a significant threat to life and property.

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2 Responses to “Rain Of Elephants Reported”

  1. Ksenia Anske (@kseniaanske) 08/04/2013 at 11:57 pm #

    Thank you so much for making me write this – I had a blast!

    • grimmreport 08/05/2013 at 12:02 am #

      Hey, thanks for sending it in. Look forward to reading more of your work in the future!

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