Steroid Investigation Expanded To Include John Henry

20 Aug
Statue of John Henry

Statue of John Henry

A Special Report By Grimm Report Chief Sports Correspondent, Ned Hickson
nedhickson.wordpress.com | @NedHickson

TALCOTT, WV — While hammer-swinging John Henry’s triumph over the world’s first steam hammer has been immortalized in song and story since the 1870s, the steel driver’s legendary strength is being called to question as something other than the result of diet, exercise and God-given talent. As part of Major League Baseball’s sweeping investigation into steroid use, investigators have expanded their scope to include Henry, whose ability to swing a pair of 20-pound hammers “raised some red flags,” said Bill Schlependorf, head of the newly expanded probe.

“To find the truth, we must trace this problem to its beginning,” said Schlependorf. “Even if that means completely forgetting about Alex Rodriguez and Ryan Braun.”

As a result, Schlependorf and his team of investigators were in Talcott today seeking a court order to exhume Henry’s remains, which many believe are buried in a graveyard near the Big Bend Mountain Tunnel — site of the steel driver’s celebrated man-vs-machine victory.

“The song says ‘He hammered so hard he broke his po’ heart,'” said Schlependorf, who is skeptical. “No one works that hard. Not without an agent and a multi-million dollar contract on the line. You’re telling me Henry did it for pride… yeah, right.”

This latest twist in the investigation has residents of Talcott concerned that the reputation of their town’s hero is in jeopardy, which could have a devastating effect on its annual John Henry Days festival held each July — an event that turns the sleepy town of 600 into a population of thousands for three days.

“Next year’s festival was going to be the biggest yet,” complained one merchant. “We’ve already ordered thousands of inflatable hammers, hired that gatekeeper guy from ‘Thor’ to walk around dressed as John Henry, and paid M.C. Hammer so we could use ‘Hammer Time’ as our theme song.”

While he understands the concerns of Talcott’s residents, Schlependorf said he has an obligation to pursue any leads, “No matter how far they lead me away from New York or Milwaukee.”

And once his investigation of Henry is over?

“We have our suspicions about Pecos Bill,” Schlependorf said. “Unless it’s a bull, no one rides a tornado without performance enhancing drugs.”

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14 Responses to “Steroid Investigation Expanded To Include John Henry”

  1. Ned's Blog 08/20/2013 at 9:49 am #

    Reblogged this on Ned's Blog and commented:
    I had the distinct honor of writing a piece for the whimsical, yet hard-hitting folklore and fairytale news blog, The Grimm Report, where I will post from time to time as their “Chief Sports Correspondent.” I hear Anderson Cooper is pretty mad. As a fellow journalist, Let me just say: “Neater Neater!” (My sincere thanks to the folks at The Grimm Report for letting me be a part of their hilarious spot in the blog-o-sphere)

  2. idiotprufs 08/20/2013 at 9:56 am #

    I would definitely check Paul Bunyan for human growth hormones.

    • Hippie Cahier 08/20/2013 at 11:09 am #

      Kinda makes you wonder if “Babe the Blue Ox” might be street slang for synthetic substances.

      Or maybe that’s just me.

      • Ned's Blog 08/20/2013 at 11:14 am #

        According to Bill Schlependorf’s team of investigators, they suspect “Babe” may have been the first drug mule. Nothing confirmed yet, though.

  3. lisajohnsonsawyer 08/20/2013 at 11:27 am #

    you so had me with “coop” til I read the last sentence…“Unless it’s a bull, no one rides a tornado without performance enhancing drugs.”…..

    screw pecos. PLEASE…somebody, put Anderson in a twister and let me click my ruby reds …while he gulps some whey protein.

    • Ned's Blog 08/20/2013 at 7:26 pm #

      You know, Lisa, when it comes to red heels and riding a twister, it’s probably not his first rodeo.

      • lisajohnsonsawyer 08/21/2013 at 10:41 am #

        Well Ned, come to think about it… I bet he has a few wands too…

      • Ned's Blog 08/21/2013 at 12:54 pm #

        I’d check the freezer next to his Geraldo mustache clippings.

      • lisajohnsonsawyer 08/21/2013 at 1:38 pm #

        ….next to the bicycle…with the basket…

  4. Mikels Skele 08/20/2013 at 12:15 pm #

    Well, the steam drill laid nine miles of track. Synthetic oil, I’m wondering?

    • Ned's Blog 08/20/2013 at 7:24 pm #

      Mikels, I can’t speak with any real authority, but I suspect getting laid for nine miles would require something stronger.

      Nine miles of track, I mean…

  5. Maurice A. Barry 08/20/2013 at 5:07 pm #

    Ned, I don’t care but old Schlep had better keep himself away from this guy…Flapjacks and Maple Syrup do not count as ‘performance enhancing drugs’ any more than US apple pie.

    • Ned's Blog 08/20/2013 at 7:22 pm #

      Depends on the apple pie. Mrs. Fields’ is questionable.

  6. Phonyon Staff 08/20/2013 at 10:49 pm #

    Our research indicates that enlarged hearts and ruptured aortae are among the side-effects of anabolic steroid abuse…finally that story is beginning to add up.

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