Dear Crabby: Tired and Ticked-Off

17 Oct
Image by GettysGirl4260

Image by GettysGirl4260

Dear Crabby created by Trista Wilson and Christie Hall.

Dear Crabby,

I’m having some serious mother-in-law trouble. I should have known what I was getting myself into when the old hag put a pea in my bed under a mountain of mattresses to see if I was sensitive enough to feel it. Apparently this is some kind of princess test. Who in the hell could feel a pea, mattress or not? Luckily, my soon to be husband, who may or may not have been sleeping with me that evening, told me about the plan. So in the morning after my soon to be husband, did or did not sneak back to his own bed, I moaned and groaned about how I wasn’t able to get comfortable at all and how there was something keeping me awake, which there was, although not what she thought. So we got married and moved away and it’s been all fine and dandy until she moved in with us a month ago. Now I keep finding things under my mattress. One night it was an apple, another night a hunk of stinky cheese. Last night was the final straw! There was a chicken under my mattress. A live chicken! I don’t know if she’s lost her marbles or if she found out that I tricked her all those years ago and is getting even. I really need advice on what to do, Crabby. What’s next, a freakin’ cow?

Tired and Ticked-Off

You’re not the only one, Tired and Ticked-Off,

Okay, so, you’ve got a mother-in-law who leaves produce, expired dairy products and livestock around the house, namely under your bed. Have you thought about it from her perspective? She obviously didn’t think you were remotely good enough for her promiscuous son. {Btw, Planned Parenthood in the picture, at all, for you two?  Just saying, you seem tied up enough without bringing some little royal personage into the mix. Go online, get some info.} She did throw The Book at you. In this instance, The Legume under Excessive Bedding Assessment is straight from article 58, subsection 7, beginning with paragraph 29, on page 471 of the Oppression and Purity within Fairytales Administration: Princess Verification Standards and Measures Manual VII.  Although, I hear they are coming out with the OPFA:PVSMM VIII at Cinderella’s Princesses Are Pretty PAC Ball. She’s a regular Sarah Palin these days, our Cindy.

But, I digress… You’ve had this rocky relationship in the past. Long, long ago as we say in the biz. The question is, why did your husband’s mom come to live with you now? She clearly didn’t do it to be closer to you, my little bed bug. Maybe she had to.  Maybe her memory isn’t what it used to be. Heck, I sometimes leave my keys in the microwave. Next door. The neighbors are extremely understanding.  A cobbler with an uncommonly quiet bunch of toddlers.

Back to your mother by marriage…  Perhaps instead of bleating about all the barnyard buddy build-up, {which, I might add, could actually be seen as a mental and physical health benefit. Animal contact has been shown to improve people’s blood pressure, anxiety level, and salivary immunoglobulin A. But, it sounds like you and your hubby may or may not already have your own mind/body connection.} you could get your husband out of bed, and get him to take his mom to the doctor. There could be many medically sound reasons why she doesn’t remember where to put the goat.

Of course, she could just be a vindictive old witch, literally. In that case, get a better lock.

Family is the ticking on your mattress,


One Response to “Dear Crabby: Tired and Ticked-Off”

  1. SOSHITECH.COM 10/17/2013 at 5:30 pm #

    Reblogged this on SoshiTech.

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