Marchenstrasse Pets Reconsidering Return Policy

21 Oct
Not a Prince. Image by kthypryn

Not a Prince. Image by kthypryn

A Special Report By Grimm Report Chief Domestic Fauna Correspondent, Jocelyn Koehler | @jocelynk414

When local residents need an animal, many go to the legendary Marchenstrasse Pets & Pasture. The store’s well-known “You’ll be happy ever after…or bring it back!” return policy has built loyalty since its founding. However, recent economic instability, along with a new kind of customer willing to game the system, has forced the business to reconsider its most iconic promise.

The store’s general manager explains: “Our mission has always been to provide our customers with quality stock. Whether one is in the market for a simple songbird, clever cat, or a more unusual beast, Marchenstrasse delivers.”

“But lately, a few bad apples have been ruining it for everyone else,” she says. “We’ve always sold frogs–plain, non-royal amphibians–and we expect a certain small percent to be returned because some folks don’t read the fine print. But the rates skyrocketed once our return policy got mentioned on Yelp. Now, lots of maidens are kissing frogs like there’s no tomorrow. They view it as a no-risk lottery, but all our other customers bear the burden of restocking costs. Frankly, it’s not fair.”

Some problems are less widespread. “Last week, someone brought a puss-in-boots back, just because the cat couldn’t get him married to a princess. I was like, look buddy, you won’t find a spare princess around every corner! It’s a cat, not a wizard. But still, policy’s a policy. We took the cat back. Another time, someone returned a duckling that just never grew up into a swan…saying it didn’t ‘perform to expectations’. Poor little guy. He was a perfectly good duck.”

One customer on line for a return says he thinks the policy should stay as it is. He’s returning a songbird. “They said it has a beautiful voice. Technically, that’s true. But the bird wants to be paid for singing twice, like it’s union and wants scale. Hell, no. It’s going back.”

He argues: “Should I have to keep it because I was told the singing was beautiful? I’m really returning it because of the lyrics. My mother she killed me, my father he ate me, he adds softly, looking away. “It’s creepy…really creepy. When I hear the song, I get these shivers…” The customer wishes to remain anonymous.

The return line doesn’t look like it’s getting shorter any time soon. On the bright side, some exotic species of geese, particularly the rare oeufs d’or breed, are perennial bestsellers and almost never get returned. Marchenstrasse Pets says no decision on the policy has been reached yet, but the subject will be raised at the next shareholders meeting. Until then, unhappy customers can still bring it back, but maybe not forever after.



2 Responses to “Marchenstrasse Pets Reconsidering Return Policy”

  1. honeydidyouseethat? 10/21/2013 at 1:45 pm #

    I hope my mother never finds out about this store. Returning things is one of her daily activities.

  2. rgdole 10/22/2013 at 4:19 pm #

    ha! everyone wants some magic in their life… but seriously, who could return a puss in boots… that’s just too adorable to give up?

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