Hospitality w/Goldilocks: Witches’ Cauldron

24 Oct
Image by curran.kelleher

Image by curran.kelleher

A Special Review By Grimm Report Chief Hospitality Correspondent, Goldilocks.
Transcribed from Goldilocks’s messy handwriting by Amy Good | @amicgood

When I heard that my cousin was going to have her bridal party at the Witches’ Cauldron, I just knew I had to go!  The Cauldron hosts some of the best ladies’ nights in the city, and their parties are always killer!!  So I decided that even if I had to sneak in, I was going.  I put a raven wig over my blonde locks, smeared on my reddest shade of lipstick, tied myself into a corset and marched my black boots up to the Cauldron’s door.  Luckily, the doorwoman only needed fifty bucks and drop of my blood to let me into my cousin’s bridal shower!

Wow, what a place!!  There was so much fog I wasn’t sure I’d be able to find even one of the three dance floors, let alone my cousin.  Each table was set with a cauldron that bubbled with green and yellow smoke.  Salamanders and newts skittered on top of the tables and along the walls.  Bats hung from the ceiling… along with quite the selection of shirtless hunks who danced in suspended cages!!

Getting to the bar was not easy, let me tell you!  But I only had to pick myself up off the floor a few times.  I really should’ve kept a better eye on those black cats and broomsticks zipping around the dance floor!!  But everything was okay when my brawny bartender – wearing just his lederhosen and a smile – asked me to choose which lollipop I’d like peel off his chest muscles.  I chose green apple!  Watch out ladies – only bad girls come to the Witches’ Cauldron!!

Hansel, the bartender, made me a delicious White Witch Russian – ooh, strong!  My head started buzzing right away.  I just barely made it to the Candyland Room where my cousin’s bridal shower was in full swing.  Do you ladies want to know the best thing about the Candyland Room? You can eat the walls!!  The Cauldron applies fresh gingerbread, frosting and gumdrops to the walls each day.  If only they’d let me move in!!

I hate to admit it, ladies, but I don’t remember much about the rest of the night.  There might’ve been some chanting… and maybe some newts were transmogrified?  I can’t really be sure.  All I know is that I had the best time and there was definitely dancing!  Wow, those drinks are really powerful!!  Oh, and by the way, if any of you have seen my cousin’s friend, Sandy, could you please let the local police know?  They’ve been looking for her for a few days now.

All in all, the Witches’ Cauldron gave me a night I wish I could remember!  I give the Cauldron a hexcellent five of five stars!!



2 Responses to “Hospitality w/Goldilocks: Witches’ Cauldron”

  1. honeydidyouseethat? 10/24/2013 at 9:29 am #

    I think it should be a do over for Halloween.

    • grimmreport 10/25/2013 at 12:17 pm #

      If only she could find the trail of breadcrumbs that led there…

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