Newest Apple Event Holds a Few Surprises, Including Brand New Poison

29 Oct

Incredible new touch-sensitive design

A Special Report By Grimm Report Chief Tech Correspondent, Jocelyn Koehler | @jocelynk414

From her dark castle perched high on the rocky outcropping of the Forbidden Mountain, the Evil Queen and CEO of Enchanted Apple offered a glimpse into the latest round of offerings from the groundbreaking company.

“Have an apple, my pretties,” she croaked during the keynote presentation. The apple in question is a lighter, more deadly update of previous versions of the iFruit, promising faster onset of symptoms and near flawless fatality.

“We at Enchanted Apple are obsessed with design,” the Evil Queen said, clad in her signature black turtleneck and cloak. “We are not content to be anything less than the most beautiful in the land. But we knew that the original iFruit—while remarkable and gorgeous—could be improved. The first bite had a tendency to lodge in one’s throat, and love’s first kiss could disrupt the programming. But no more Spinning Beach Ball of the Sleeping Death! With the latest version of iFruit, that is no longer an issue. The touch-sensitive design unlocks an instantaneous poison, developed especially for us. It has no precedent, and no antidote. Within seconds, the user will know that no other product can replace the iFruit. Because she’ll be dead. Oh, yes, and who will be the fairest then?”

The Evil Queen then cackled so hard she had to leave the stage, fueling a new round of speculation that the CEO’s health has been fragile. The Huntsman, managing director of the company, finished the presentation.

According to the product release details, the newest version of iFruit comes in three colors: classic white with a buffed wax finish, a Product (RED) version known as (RED) Delicious, and the long-rumored gold color, which appears to be a soft golden delicious/champagne shade.

The original apple, half red and half white with the innovative “demi-poison” design, will still be available, though insiders suspect it will not be supported by the new operating system, due out late this year. The new products are slated to ship next month, at which point all the most beautiful maidens in the land are advised by the FCC to be careful when accepting gifts from strangers, especially kind old ladies, peddlers, and hags.

Following the event, Enchanted Apple’s stock dropped 2.4%, a trend consistent with past product announcements.



14 Responses to “Newest Apple Event Holds a Few Surprises, Including Brand New Poison”

  1. honeydidyouseethat? 10/29/2013 at 8:53 am #

    Not to mention those innocent trick or treaters. 🙂

  2. Jocelyn Koehler (@jocelynk414) 10/29/2013 at 9:21 am #

    Makes you wonder what they would have done with the Razr.

  3. belasbrightideas 10/29/2013 at 10:39 am #


  4. Ned's Blog 10/29/2013 at 11:59 am #

    I heard MyBM is feeling pretty flushed about the whole thing.

    • grimmreport 10/29/2013 at 12:30 pm #

      They’re totally broken up by this latest movement.

      • Ned's Blog 10/29/2013 at 12:32 pm #

        From what I understand,they are positioning themselves for a new roll in the industry.

      • grimmreport 10/29/2013 at 12:43 pm #

        Expect the product to drop late in the third quarter.

      • Ned's Blog 10/29/2013 at 12:47 pm #

        Lol! I’m an investor, so I’m counting on a big initial splash before I dump the rest of my stock.

      • grimmreport 10/29/2013 at 2:44 pm #

        The initial plunge is always temporary. Eventually it will level out.

      • Ned's Blog 10/29/2013 at 2:52 pm #

        I tend to circle the market before taking that plunge.

  5. Jocelyn Koehler (@jocelynk414) 10/29/2013 at 3:50 pm #

    Y’all have a disturbing aptitude for puns. I feel right at home.

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