Hospitality With Goldilocks: The Golden Thread

4 Apr

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A Special Review By Grimm Report Chief Hospitality Correspondent, Goldilocks.
Transcribed from Goldilocks’s messy handwriting by Amy Good
www.amicgood.com | @amicgood

I have always wanted to eat at The Golden Thread – and who wouldn’t?!  From the gilded gourmet menu to the rumors about its ownership, it’s definitely a place that keeps people talking (and guessing!).  Did you know that the restaurant won’t even allow pictures of its interior and guests must sign a non-disclosure agreement before entering?  Well my loyal readers should know that would never stop me.  So when I booked those pricey advance tickets, I signed a fake name to the agreement and got ready to blow the lid off this mystery!  I donned my best investigative journalist disguise – complete with sensible heels and a serious-journalist braid – and vowed to get to the bottom of all these rumors!! (For my readers, of course.)

First of all, loyal readers, everything at The Golden Thread is made of gold!  I am not even kidding.  From the waitresses’ cocktail gowns to the mesh curtains to the menus – even the silverware is made of white gold.  I couldn’t help but wonder if King Midas had decorated, and I was certainly beginning to believe the rumors that he might be the owner of this restaurant!  But I still had more investigating to do, and so I couldn’t, in good faith, consider the case closed yet.  After all, Midas is not the only name in gold…  And I had to keep an open mind, what with the cute gold collars and leashes on all the waitresses and staff!

As the hostess seated me, I ever-so-stealthily reached into my purse and snapped a few pictures of the restaurant’s guests – including some fuzzy photos of the Easter Bunny himself. (And, oh, loyal readers, the stories I could – Oops! I don’t think I’m supposed to tell my readers about that!).  Anyway, I was just hoping the hostess wouldn’t notice the camera lens poking out of the side of my bag.  I’m telling you, I was in full investigative journalist mode!  I didn’t even let the hostess deter me with a 9-karat menu and a glass of gold-flecked champagne.  I immediately asked her where the restrooms might be so I could seriously snoop the place out!

Along the way toward the kitchen, I hoped I might bump into one of the famous names in gold so I could get to the bottom of this conspiracy – but instead I got cornered by an overly-happy Easter Bunny asking if he could borrow my weeds… I didn’t even know what he was talking about!!

To get away from Mr. Bunny, I darted into the kitchen for some juicy insider gossip.  After all, I’ve known some busboys in my day, and they always get chatty when I buy them a bottle of champagne and bat my eyelashes!  I sidled up to the nearest hottie – a cute brunette with a gold collar who was chopping vegetables like a speed demon – and asked him if gentlemen really did prefer blondes.  (Of course, loyal readers, I already know the answer to that!)  But the poor thing was so shy he wouldn’t even look at me!  I told him a few of my best jokes to loosen him up, and I was able to get just the tiniest smile out of him – but it was the weirdest thing because I could swear his tongue was made of gold.  Can you imagine that, loyal readers??

Well – wouldn’t you know it – as soon as I lifted my tape recorder out of my bag, a dishwasher from the back threw a gold plate at my head!  I didn’t stick around after that.  I was off running!  After all, I didn’t need a repeat of what happened at the Plymouth Rock Café!!  (My eyebrows haven’t even grown back in completely!)  I hoofed it all the way back to my table and sat down like nothing had happened. I’m such a professional, aren’t I?

Oddly, though, I didn’t count on my table being occupied when I got back to it!  A very nice couple had brought their tiny baby in with them, but I could certainly understand their tale of woe (paying for the tickets and then the babysitter cancels at the last minute!) so I didn’t mind sharing my table with them at all!

However, I did have to ask them about the other rumored owner of The Golden Thread – and if maybe they shouldn’t be just the smallest bit more careful with their firstborn?  But I guess my mistake was pulling out my tape recorder… because all of a sudden, they started shouting at me.  Then the waitresses came running (and yelling) so before anyone could grab a pitchfork, I hightailed it out of the front door!

Just as I thought I’d made it, the hostess lassoed me with her gold chain and I was sure I’d get strung up… or worse!  In desperation, I shouted, “I know the owner!”

Well, loyal readers, you and I know that was a bluff… but I don’t think The Golden Thread’s staff knew that.  Even if I had figured out the identity of the owner, I couldn’t possibly know what name he’s using now!  But to look at the poor staff, you’d think I just threatened to shoot their puppies.  Poor things.  And I figured “in for a penny, in for the whole enchilada,” so I crossed my fingers and shouted out the first name that came to mind!

Funny thing, though – their faces all went white and they ran inside screaming!  After all that ruckus, I didn’t even want to try my luck at getting my purse back.

So wouldn’t you know it, I got chased out of another restaurant!  How does this keep happening to me, loyal readers?  I didn’t even get to taste the Kobe beef burger wrapped in lettuce and gold leaf!

All in all, though, I had such a fun time as an investigative journalist that I have to give The Golden Thread a mysterious five out of five stars!  What a night!!

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3 Responses to “Hospitality With Goldilocks: The Golden Thread”

  1. idiotprufs 04/04/2014 at 11:24 am #

    It’s always a good idea to leave before pitchforks get involved.

  2. mentzer2150 04/05/2014 at 10:54 am #

    Great entry!

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