Legume Allergy Leads to Domestic Troubles

1 May
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A Special Report By Grimm Report Chief Allergic Correspondent,
Sarah Brentyn
rantsaboutparenting.blogspot.com |

PEABODY, MA–Three months after a whirlwind marriage, the local princess, Penelope, finally pins down the cause of her poor health. “Pea sensitivity,” she says. The princess recalls running to the home of the royal family seeking refuge from a violent thunderstorm.  “After I dried off, we had a nice dinner and they invited me to stay.”

The queen then allegedly hid a dried pea underneath the princess’s mattress which was found by a maid the following morning. “Who puts a piece of produce in your bed?” the princess asked. “The woman is nuts.”

“I broke out in hives and had to use major amounts of makeup for the wedding. I looked like a cranberry pancake,” she cried.

The queen, saddened by what she calls “the loss of my son to that gold-digger”, claims the princess married the prince for money. “It is widely known that the girl’s father lost his fortune gambling on fantasy football.”

“We’ve been living in our own place for about two months,” the princess said. “Haven’t had a rash since. Well, except for that time my mother-in-law visited and insisted on helping with dinner.”

The prince declined to be interviewed but would say that Dr. Daniel Fabaceae diagnosed the allergy, insisting that it is severe and could be fatal.

The queen scoffed at the newly diagnosed legume sensitivity but is scheduling another visit to the happy couple’s home next week with some beanbag chairs as a belated wedding gift.



13 Responses to “Legume Allergy Leads to Domestic Troubles”

  1. insanitybytes22 05/01/2014 at 10:33 am #

    Ha! Fairy tales are so hard these days, what with all the gluten free diets, legume allergies, and organic free trade coffee. Can you imagine Hansel and Gretel, they couldn’t even get out of the forest these days because their bread crumbs would make somebody sick.

    • Sarah Brentyn 05/01/2014 at 3:35 pm #

      Indeed. Lucky Jack wasn’t allergic to legumes. Those magic beans could have led to a very different story. Maybe he traded his cow because he was lactose intolerant.

  2. J. T. Frazier 05/01/2014 at 7:25 pm #

    Fun spin on the tale.

    • Sarah Brentyn 05/01/2014 at 10:04 pm #

      Thanks! It was fun to write. It’s not always easy being the Chief Allergic Correspondent but this interview was a nice change from being sneezed on for an hour.

  3. rgdole 05/01/2014 at 10:18 pm #

    that’s an evil mother-n-law… that girl should’ve known better than to eat anything she cooks… probably puts all kinds of peas in it…

    • Sarah Brentyn 05/01/2014 at 11:40 pm #

      Maybe they should order take-out when she visits. Seems like a safe option. No hives, no hurt feelings.

  4. Outlier Babe 05/08/2014 at 12:56 pm #

    Clev-ah. Loved the chairs. Always a good rule to beware of moms-in-law bearing gifts.

    • Sarah Brentyn 05/08/2014 at 2:19 pm #

      🙂 Indeed. Best to tuck those gifts away and bring them back out to display when she visits.

  5. MiscElaineOusMuSings 05/08/2014 at 11:06 pm #

    Poor Penelope next she’ll be allergic to down and she’ll have no where to sleep

  6. Jo Ann Fisher 05/13/2014 at 12:02 am #

    Very Cute! I would never bring Bean Bag Chairs!

    • Sarah Brentyn 05/13/2014 at 9:32 pm #

      Of course not. You are a good and beloved queen (and mother-in-law).

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