Greek Gods: Where Are They Now?

5 Jun


A Special Report By Grimm Report Chief Olympian Correspondent,
Marissa Bergen | @MarissaBergen1

The reign of the Greek Gods has ended,
The Kingdom of Olympus is gone,
But yet the Gods were immortal,
And surely they live on.
So we gathered our forces,
And can show you how,
They live today on this episode,
of ‘Greek Gods Where Are They Now?’

Hera and Zeus finally got a divorce,
In 1975,
They both are living happily now,
Enjoying the single life.
Zeus relishes his freedom,
Now that they are no longer together,
He camps out in the Playboy mansion,
And goes by the name Hugh Hefner.
Hera’s a public figure,
And allows us all to witness,
Her dramas on the reality show,
Real housewives of Mt. Olympus.

Hades found his lot in life,
Selling up cruise control,
He works as a used car salesman,
A junker in turn for your soul.
Poseidon says he rarely misses,
Ruling the ocean blue,
Now he works at Sea World,
Training the great Shamu.

Hermes was sentenced to prison for life,
But can barely suppress a chortle,
The joke will be on the system,
When they find he is immortal.
Aphrodite is a columnist at Cosmo,
With perhaps a hint of sarcasm,
She tells middle aged ladies,
How to fake an orgasm.

Athena’s a computer consultant,
A profession she proclaims a dream,
While Artemis and Apollo kick ass,
On a WWE wrestling team.
Dionysus’ hard living caught up with him,
Now the town drunk, he learned his lesson,
And often sees Hephaestus on the streets,
Peddling illegal weapons.

Demeter’s still in agriculture,
Among the flora and fauna,
She works hard tending to her crops,
Of skunky marijuana.
Ares now regrets his ways,
And sways most compassionate,
As he runs a class in Cyprus,
Counseling anger management.

The Greek gods served their purpose well,
And heeded to the calling,
And now we can only think with regret,
Of how the mighty have fallen.
For it seems that modern times,
Have put them through the ringer,
Be sure to tune in next week,
When they reunite on Springer.



5 Responses to “Greek Gods: Where Are They Now?”

  1. Outlier Babe 06/05/2014 at 11:06 am #

    Well-chosen updated pursuits! Do want to comment, though, on Aphrodite’s advice: If you think it takes until middle-age for females to learn how to fake orgasm… (Not that anyone I know ever has.)

  2. MiscElaineOusMuSings 06/05/2014 at 1:43 pm #

    Aphrodite has always been a big OL faker, pretension she was your BFF & then telling everyone from Adonis to Medusa your business. She’ll be perfect at Cosmo, what she don’t know she can make up. Also I thought Hermes went down for importing faux designer handbags from China or Korea. Thought he could get away with it cause the people who own Hermes paid him off so he’d work his Greek magic. Must have worked cause those bags go for about $4000.

    Great update on the Gods Grimm Report!

    • Marissa Bergen 06/05/2014 at 4:08 pm #

      Thank you. Looks like you could write your own version of it. Very funny stuff! Glad I could inspire that!

  3. Adam Hoffman 06/06/2014 at 5:39 pm #

    I wonder what the Fates are up to now. They were the only goddesses that Zeus couldn’t boss around. If they said something would happen, it happened. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I won’t miss the Old Gods, especially since Jack Kirby gave us a whole drop of New Gods back in the ’70s.

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