Achilles Frustrated by Hole in Health Care Coverage

26 Jun
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A Special Report By Grimm Report Chief Health Care Correspondent,
Larry Shampoe | @idiotprufs

The Greek warrior Achilles has recently become vocal about his dissatisfaction with his health care coverage. “Ridiculous waiting lists, exorbitant dinars out-of-pocket, and an inexplicable hole in my coverage,” were just some of the phrases used by Achilles to describe his frustration.

It seems the trouble started when Achilles discovered, what he had previously thought to be a comprehensive policy, wouldn’t cover a simple arrow wound to the heel.

“If I get gored by a minotaur it’s covered,” Achilles said in exasperation. “Trampled by a centaur: covered. Struck down by a lightning bolt from Zeus: covered. Transformed into a goat by Hera: covered. Eaten by the Kraken: fully covered. I mean, what’s the point in that. If you get eaten by the Kraken, it’s pretty much game over at that point!”

Achilles paused to regain his composure.

“Turned to stone by Medusa: covered. Mauled by wild animals: covered. Ax wound to the face: no problem. Arrow wound to the eye socket: covered. Arrow wound to the chest: covered. Arrow wound to the left forearm: very specifically covered. Arrow wound to any part of my body except my heel, and it’s covered. Erectile dysfunction: I have no idea what that is, but if I get it, it’s covered.

When pressed about the hole in Achilles coverage, Charon, the director of Styx River Health Care had the following response: “Achilles will be singing a different tune when he’s attacked by a cyclops or bitten by Cerberus. They always come crawling back…provided they can still crawl.”

“Is this how Trojan War heroes are treated?” Achilles asked in disgust. “The Trojan horse gets better treatment than I do, and he’s made of wood. I mean, look at how infected this wound is getting; it’s really starting to look nasty. I really think this wound is going to be the end of me.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Charon retorted. “I really don’t think Achilles’ heel will be his mortal weakness.”



10 Responses to “Achilles Frustrated by Hole in Health Care Coverage”

  1. Ned's Blog 06/26/2014 at 11:53 am #

    Dear Achilles: I’d suggest ditching the sandals for high-tops.

    • idiotprufs 06/26/2014 at 1:05 pm #

      One does not show up at the Acropolis in high-tops.

      • Ned's Blog 06/26/2014 at 1:09 pm #

        True, unless it’s the Acropolis on Manhattan Avenue after 11 p.m.

      • idiotprufs 06/26/2014 at 8:46 pm #

        I’m not familiar with it, in which part of Hades is Manhattan Avenue?

      • Ned's Blog 06/27/2014 at 8:42 am #

        It’s probably best you don’t know lest you be tempted. Or drunk.

  2. insanitybytes22 06/26/2014 at 2:39 pm #

    Ha! Too cute! Nooooo…not Achilles. We’re doomed now.

    • idiotprufs 06/26/2014 at 8:43 pm #

      You’re only doomed if you’re not entirely dipped in the Styx River.

  3. Carl D'Agostino 06/26/2014 at 6:51 pm #

    Socrates wants to know if antidotes for poison are covered in the Rx plan and if Tier I with no co-pay or Tier III with expensive co-pay.

    • idiotprufs 06/26/2014 at 8:45 pm #

      They are unless you’ve been found guilty of impiety.

  4. rgdole 06/27/2014 at 7:59 am #

    ain’t that the way it goes… they cover everything but what you need… but I really don’t feel bad for him… Achilles is a douche…

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