Orphan’s Outlandish Request Leads to Ouster

15 Aug
Oliver Twist pictured alongside Mr. Bumble.

Oliver Twist pictured alongside Mr. Bumble.

A Special Report By Grimm Report Chief Labor Correspondent,
Jocelyn Koehler
http://teamblood.org | @jocelynk414

The board of the local human capital management services corporation, overseen by Mr. Bumble, has just announced the liquidation of an asset. One Oliver Twist, nine years of age, is available as an apprentice (any trade), and even includes a five pound signing bonus.

Why such an attractive offer? Bumble explained: “Well, he’s a right bad-un, innit he? Last night at dinner, he strolled right up to the copper and asked for more gruel! More! As if three servings a day ain’t enough. Plus half an onion on Thursdays!”

Upon being informed of the incident, the board quickly convened to discuss the situation. It concluded such requests violate workhouse harmony and disturb the board’s recently implemented nutrition policies.

“Sends a bad message to the others,” said one board member, after finishing up his third roast beef sandwich. “Might make them think they deserve to be fed and housed just for existing! Nonsense. We’ve had great success with our new feeding regimen. Of the eight out of ten inmates who survive it, most get along just fine. If Twist wants more food, perhaps he should have had the foresight to be born into a better family. Children today never think ahead!”

The outsourcing of Twist is simply the result of cost/benefit analysis, according to the board. It has nothing to do with their collective, visceral horror at the idea of reducing their own incomes by even a shilling in order to keep unimportant children of the lower classes alive.

In the words of the chairman: “We’re just doing what the parish would expect of us: running the workhouse at a profit. Before we took over, the poor were happy inside! They had ample food, music, clothing, shelter, and hope. Those sorts of things are luxuries inconsistent with a healthy bottom line. And of course, the health of the bottom line takes precedence.”

The board then adjourned to move to the local tavern for supper.

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4 Responses to “Orphan’s Outlandish Request Leads to Ouster”

  1. herdthinner 08/16/2014 at 3:01 am #

    I heard that he was later wandering about the streets, wondering who would “buy” the beautiful morning. Clearly a greedy little ragamuffin who thinks only of money and food!

  2. rgdole 10/12/2014 at 1:06 pm #

    I just don’t think this works… cause the kid was bullied into asking for it… and it’s a sad story people selling off kids… plus anyone who reads the book already knows what’s going on with it…

    • grimmreport 10/12/2014 at 2:24 pm #

      You’re just now reading this. Sheesh.

      • rgdole 10/12/2014 at 3:29 pm #

        sorry… every time I checked your blog it seemed like it was just another pod cast which just isn’t my sort of thing… and so I was finally like man I haven’t looked at this in forever… I’ll try to be more diligent in the future…

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