Rapunzel Imprisoned in Ivory Tower Following Academic Dispute

3 Nov

A Special Report By Grimm Report Chief Education Correspondent,
Jocelyn Koehler
http://teamblood.org | @jocelynk414

At a local university, a disagreement between two rival professors has taken a more serious turn. Rapunzel Green, the daughter of one professor, is now locked in a disused and inaccessible tower on campus. She is being held prisoner by the Old Enchantress, who also happens to be the Dean of Magic and Horticultural Studies.

“He poached on my area of study when he published an article on magic beans in the Journal of Paranormal Botany,” she said haughtily. “Everyone knows that I’m the expert on that! But he didn’t make me a co-author or even cite my works. So I took his daughter and locked her in my tower as punishment. Hmpf. That’ll teach him to mess with the academic hierarchy!”

Professor Green has been doing all he can to have Rapunzel let go, but his efforts have been in vain. “I tried to appeal to the board of directors, but what can I do?” he complained. “The enchantress has tenure, and I’m just an adjunct. I have no chance to win an appeal.” He added that like all adjuncts, he has no health insurance, job security, or opportunity for promotion. “The system is broken!”

The Old Enchantress says Rapunzel is in no physical danger in her tower. She is fed the same diet as the campus undergraduates: a balanced mix of fortified cereal, ramen noodles, and off-brand beer. “The only thing she’s at risk for is the Freshman Fifteen,” the old lady said.

Rapunzel’s father refuses to give up, though. He’s contacted student groups to see if he can crowdsource a solution. “The campus feminists have been really supportive — they hate that a modern woman is being damseled in such a literal way. The Mountaineering Club has had some good ideas, too, but apparently we need to wait for Rapunzel’s hair to grow a bit. In the meantime, supporters are picketing the Dean’s office and sending care packages up to the tower window via drone.”

So far, Rapunzel has not been able to transmit any official comments, but to judge by her singing, her spirits remain high.

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8 Responses to “Rapunzel Imprisoned in Ivory Tower Following Academic Dispute”

  1. chantueserouge 11/04/2014 at 10:24 pm #

    Reblogged this on Random Musings from the Mind of a 30 something writer and commented:
    Loved this fairytale makeover. 🙂 especially the undergraduate diet.

  2. Ned's Blog 11/05/2014 at 10:30 am #

    It’s ok to continue the undergraduate diet even after graduating, right? Even for 20 years. Or even if you didn’t actually GO to college? (Asking for a friend…)

  3. Shelley 11/08/2014 at 12:38 pm #

    I remember that diet!

  4. Outlier Babe 11/10/2014 at 2:40 am #

    This really ought to be published in The Chronicle (of Higher Ed). I re-read it three times, and each time, I was more impressed at how well it captured so many aspects of life at the higher academic altitudes. Great job.

  5. morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer 11/14/2014 at 12:41 pm #

    ‘Loved the update, and the inside jokes about being only an adjunct. Clever; ‘glad I came across your blog.

  6. Jocelyn Koehler (@jocelynk414) 11/14/2014 at 4:36 pm #

    Hey, all. Glad you liked it! I have several academics in my life, and they always say to “write what you know”, so…

  7. rgdole 11/30/2014 at 7:55 pm #

    obviously it’s just me… but it just seems a bit juvenile… someone didn’t get co-authored and they pitch a fit and kidnap someone and put them in a tower where apparently everyone knows where she is… it just seems like Rapunzel got shoved into a bitch session about problems in academics… after all it’s only loosely connected in that it’s a girl in a tower which really relates to many fairy tales…

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