Gaming Commission Vacates Tortoise vs. Hare Results

24 Nov

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A Special Report By Grimm Report Chief Sports Correspondent,
Larry Shampoe @idiotprufs

LAS VEGAS, NV–In a shocking turn of events, the Nevada Gaming Commission has vacated the results of the infamous Tortoise vs. Hare race. The gaming commission, following an extensive investigation, has determined the results to have been unduly influenced by outside manipulation.

“Our suspicions were first piqued by the fact that hares tend to be very quick animals, while tortoises tend to be extremely slow animals, almost painfully so. Have you ever found yourself stuck in line at the supermarket behind a tortoise? It’s just a nightmare,” the gaming commissioner said.

The commissioner also reported suspicious activity in wagering surrounding the race. “Basically just the idea that anyone would bet heavily on a tortoise to defeat a hare in any kind of race is highly suspicious.”

Adding to the questions swirling around the race was the Hare’s sudden rise from a hole in the ground in a field, to a lush garden in a penthouse. “I’ve invested wisely,” the Hare told us, “if you think one rabbit’s foot is lucky, I’ve got four of them.”

When pressed about alleged connections to a notorious Las Vegas bookmaker, the Hare refused comment, only pausing to mutter, “I’ve no plans to become hasenpfeffer.”

The Tortoise maintains his victory to be hard fought and legitimate. “Slow and steady wins the race,” the Tortoise reminded us.

“We have heard the ‘slow and steady’ argument before,” the commissioner replied, “but our research indicates, being slow is not a desired trait when you’re trying to win a race of virtually any kind. In fact, it tends to be quite a detriment.”

The Tortoise has filed an appeal and plans to appear before gaming commission. They’re still waiting for him to arrive; he is very slow.


6 Responses to “Gaming Commission Vacates Tortoise vs. Hare Results”

  1. idiotprufs 11/24/2014 at 10:14 am #

    Reblogged this on idiotprufs and commented:
    Check out my latest contribution to the Grimm Report.

  2. Adam Hoffman 11/24/2014 at 3:58 pm #

    Oh sure, they look into the Tortoise and Hare race, but they don’t even bother to look into the Hare vs Hedgehog race which was clearly rigged as all heck!

    • idiotprufs 11/26/2014 at 8:38 am #

      The gaming commission is fickle that way.

  3. rgdole 11/25/2014 at 10:31 am #

    way to destroy a perfectly good saying… poor little tortoise… just let him have his day…

  4. hairballexpress 11/26/2014 at 12:52 pm #

    Wouldn’t you know that flippin hare doesn’t wanna be hasenpfeffer – I was really wanting that fur Thanksgiving! Flippin MORON!😾

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