Hospitality w/Goldilocks: Plymouth Rock Café

Cafe patrons suspicious of my camera flash.

A Special Review By Grimm Report Chief Hospitality Correspondent, Goldilocks.
Transcribed from Goldilocks’s messy handwriting by Amy Good
www.amicgood.com | @amicgood

It’s November again! The time of year I start wishing on every falling star that a handsome prince (or celebrity chef!) will carry me away to a tropical paradise with white-sand beaches and cabana boys!! It doesn’t matter how many jewel-encrusted barrettes or sparkly pashminas I buy, I just can’t seem to get carried away by the spirit of the season. It’s either too cold outside or too warm in by the fire or my golden locks have gone all frizzy in the dry air or… Well, no one wants to hear me complain!

So instead of grumbling, I pulled my hair back into a sensible ponytail, dressed myself up in my fiercest frock, and made the pilgrimage out to the Plymouth Rock Café. It seemed like just the thing for these wintery blues.  If I didn’t have the holiday spirit inside me already, I just knew the Plymouth Rock Café could give it to me!

Walking in past the ginormous cornucopia, I couldn’t help but wonder if the Café was having Amish night. The servers all wore bonnets that covered their hair and grey dresses that reached all the way down to their ankles. The waitress sure didn’t appreciate my bejeweled Pocahontas-style minidress or when I gave her a snappy, “Howdy, Pilgrim!” But seriously, my loyal readers, what else was I supposed to wear to the Plymouth Rock Café?  You can just call me Goldihontas!!

For a holiday restaurant, I have to admit, I was definitely the glitteriest gal in the joint!! I didn’t see a glimmer of tinsel or a sprig of holly anywhere. I expected to be outdone by shimmering holiday lights, but I didn’t even see any electric lighting of any sort; the whole restaurant was lit up with candlelight and oil lamps! And the only reindeer I noticed was the one roasting over the fire pit in the middle of the Café. What an interesting interpretation of the holidays!!

I thought it was weird that the waitress didn’t hand me a menu, but when she’d told me I’d soon be enjoying venison steak, boiled goose, seasonal roasted vegetables, cornbread and hardtack biscuits, and hasty pudding, my mouth was already watering. I was just about to ask for the wine selection when we heard a commotion up at the front of the Café. Suddenly, the whole restaurant was screaming, “Burn the witch!” and I was craning my neck to see just a flash of green skin or a wart on a hooked nose. I immediately figured she must’ve been hiding behind the cornucopia.

Well, boy was my face red when I realized they were shouting at me!

Before I knew it, the Café’s servers were coming after me with brooms and the other patrons were brandishing their pitchforks. Wow, I couldn’t believe they were taking all that witchy stuff really seriously!  They should’ve seen me on Halloween!!

I tried zigzagging through all  the brooms and pitchforks, but I guess one of them must’ve swept aside an oil lamp, because the next thing I knew, several of the brooms were on fire! One waitress flung her broom away as fast as she could (but not before her long dress became a mini!) and it struck the rotisserie rack above the fire pit, sending the smoked deer sprawling across the floor. I slipped and fell in the cornucopia on the way out, knocking over another oil lamp and setting the huge woven basket on fire. Which was a shame, because it was really pretty! Luckily I dodged most of the flaming broomstick that someone sent flying at my head and – well, I’m not as young as I used to be, but the doctor says my eyebrows will grow back in about six weeks!!

Long story short, I’m not exactly sure I was supposed to tell you about my dining experience at the Plymouth Rock Café because the police are investigating the whole mistaken-identity thing, but I couldn’t not tell all my loyal readers about the sizzling-hot fireman I met afterwards, now could I?? He’s taking me to fiery Jamaica next month, so we can celebrate the New Year in style!!